Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
