I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
