2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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