She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
