I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
