I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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