I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
