you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
