he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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