I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
