ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
