my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize