You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize