Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
