you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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