I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize