I could make wine with my vomit
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
