Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
