I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
