life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize