Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
