Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
