even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize