you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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