also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
what is it with giant penises always finding me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
