I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
