that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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