my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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