im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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