i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
