We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
