why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
