Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize