Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
