So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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