After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
