I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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