i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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