who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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