Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
