She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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