why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
