I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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