I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize