Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hippo gnu deer
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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