I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
