so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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