dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
