Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
