just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i think i scared a bird with my dick
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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