When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
