im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
