my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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