nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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