so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
