it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
