I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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