he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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