my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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